OUT OF THE DUNGEON

I love being an introvert, but the world is made for Extroverts. It's hard going against my natural inclination and diving into the public.  For the sake of family I am attempting to go outside my norms, it ain't easy!  First we started with a mild work up, by going to the Zoo during a Tornado warning.  I figured it was probably safer than being in our home I could always throw myself in with the monkeys.  It was nice I watched my son and boyfriend having a blast while I walked behind slowly watching everyone around me; natural habit of mine is to people watch, to analyze them covertly.  My second adventure was going to a movie after dark verses catching the matinee.  In my defense Deadpool was to much of a drawl, an anti-hero character with a dry sarcastic sense of humour! I laughed till I had to cross my legs and pray the next giggle didn't illicit wet pants on my part.  My third and final adventure for the week was totally out of the box! I went to a gun show where people  were on top of each other looking at semi-automatic rifles.  Normally I don't care, I can appreciate the sleek, smooth body of a Glock, but tons of people isn't my thang!  However, I will admit that I enjoyed myself and saw quite a few that I liked.  Who knew? Eh, I mean seriously Guns never pictured myself enjoying something like that! Well, going as far as shows and paying for them! Still an introvert, that didn't go away, but I am making an effort to live verses writing about living!  On the other side of that I am getting behind in my projects, way behind!

silence

When I was younger I wanted my television loud, my music loud, everything loud.  I wanted the world to know what I listened to!  That was obvious from the number of times you could hear me approaching from down the road with something akin to Rob Zombie blaring from my little red car.  Now in moments of nostalgia I will turn up one of those songs and be transported back to my early twenties or worse the teenage years.  How funny that what I considered to be one of the worst times in my life, now doesn't seem so bad!  All those bullies that pushed me around for being different don't seem nearly as bad as I once thought they were.  The random football player who thought it was okay to shove me into a wall during gym seems mild in comparison to the Alzheimer's patient I've wrestled.  How funny it seems to me that now my favorite sound is a lack of..I enjoy the silence...I've learned to go all day with-out once turning on the TV content to sit in my bubble of peace. To let the chaos of the world and life fade into the background for another much noisier day..Is it because I'm getting older or because I am growing into my true introverted personality? I really don't know...

Sometimes it sucks being nice! I envy those Bitchy people no-body wants to be around.  They have it made! If someone asks a bitchy person to babysit no-one is surprised when they flip you off! Where as the nice person goes, "Sure...Anytime".  What I really meant was not today...I work and Since my shift is graveyard I like the hours before for napping or main lining caffeine.  It's true that I have my child with me at that time of the day, but that's different.  He already knows my limits and when to run!  The children I watched wanted to test my limits. I felt like a broken record..No..Don't touch that..No pushing..Put that back..TIME OUT!  My tolerance and easy going manner went out the door with their parents.  I actually said a loud, "Yay."  When their mom was at the door...They of course didn't want to leave!  I might have given them a gentle nudge in the right direction. I went to work feeling out of sorts because the force was disturbed..My sacred time that I use to mentally prepare myself was filled with children whining!  Is it my fault? Yes..I should say no.  Oh it sucks to be a nice person that wants to help or save everyone..How easy we are disregarded, taken advantage, and forgotten..

The heir of air

My life was always one where I lived in a gilded cage.  My family gave me everything I wanted with in reason, if I did as they asked.  Which wasn't really anything to drastic, my granny just wanted me at home twenty-four hours a day.  When I was twenty-five I had to ask permission to drive my car to work.  This prompted me to move out around the same time I graduated nursing school.  My first apartment was nice, but it wasn't home!  So, I realized I liked my gilded cage just fine!  Still I moved to Florida and worked as an agency nurse in Orlando.  A learning experience for sure!  What I didn't realize was how much my cousin's resented me!  They hated the fact that my grandparents bought me a car, gave me money, sent me to school (with the help of financial aid).  The catch to this was my grandparents raised me, stepping up when my parents couldn't.  I was always underfoot!  Plus I was my grandfather's only grandchild.  The other grandchildren were from my grandmother's first marriage when she was sixteen.  I loved my cousins, I thought they were the coolest thing since sliced bread.  It broke my heart when they said they were going to come get me and never showed up! Still in my naivety I thought they loved me.  Years later I now know some people aren't capable of love, especially when greed steps in.  They coveted all that I had right down to the rag-doll my paternal grandmother made me!  Sadly they managed to get it!  Six years later I'm still hurt, by the betrayal.  I miss my things as well. The photos of friends and family, my baby photos, my high school and college diploma.  They took my grandmother away from me with legal tactics and feuds..I sucked up my fear and went and saw her in the nursing home over the summer! I'm glad because she died on my 36th birthday..I went to the funeral prepared to let everything go..Six years was long enough to fight and argue..I told  THEM that as far as I was concerned it was over! Done..Fake kisses and hugs galore..I gave them my number just on the off chance I could get my photos back or I needed to sign paperwork..I am the heir...The heir of air..I had my son with me his little face leaned into my hip, something I viewed as my blessing for all that I had endured! Don't you know the heifer called two days later trying to insinuate that if I didn't get out of town that I would be put in Jail! For the love of God, Really?  I was returning to Florida the next day..Did she fall off the stupid tree?Now I'm left with a foul taste in my mouth.  The one thing I was trying to do was move on but it's the one thing, in the season of forgiveness, I can't seem to do! Kentuckians do like to Feud, we just can't seem to help our selves! Maybe, it's the mix of Scott/Irish and Native American heritage..Who knows..All I know is blood isn't thicker than water!  My charitable feelings and good nature is gone towards them, may they reap what they have sown! Anytime Karma..Anytime..

Murphy's law

So, I worked Friday night.  A nice long twelve hour shift where I watched someone else sleep.  That was all fine and dandy thanks to the ever popular but very bad for me caffeine drink! It was the next morning when I tried to sneak into my home and catch a few zzzz's.  I slowly opened the door praying that it didn't creak or groan to loud.  That my hyper dog didn't bounce and bark all over waking my son! I shouldn't even have worried, because my precious was sleeping on the couch.  He lifted his tow head up giving me a sleepy smile.  One that filled my heart with equal parts of joy and dread! I looked at him firmly stating it wasn't time to get up! Right, that was effective! I agreed to let him come snuggle with me which really translates into letting him play on my cell phone while I try to sleep. So, I plopped down in bed covering my body with blankets and waited for oblivion to claim me.  Then I hear, "Mama wake time."  Where as I groaned, No and tried to close my eyes again.  A warm little hand reaches out to stroke my chin.  That made me crack an eyelid open, what the Devil was my child insinuating? I am not the bearded lady!  Again I tell him it's sleep time while I pray that my boyfriend will come get him.  That doesn't work.  Two hours rolled on continuing in that manner.  The dog decided to join in with a few well rehearsed howls. I ended up chasing her around the bedroom.  She decided to hide under the bed for awhile, till I wasn't a deranged mad woman.  Finally, my boyfriend wakes! Did he immediately come get the baby? Why no, he decided to flip on the television and watch it for awhile. Finally I had to tell the minion to go play with daddy.  He wasn't happy but he went.  I burrowed under the blankets willing myself to go to sleep! Next thing I know the neighbor is knocking on the door with cup in hand wanting to borrow some coffee.  Great we get that taken care of and send her back home.  Then  my boyfriend comes traipsing   through the house putting incense out to cover the stench of cigarette smoke. Funny because he was a smoker and is now vaping! What-ever I roll my eyes. Once again I close my eyes..A loud insane noise fills my ears,the fire alarm sounds just in the room I was in!..The damn thing had never gone off before!  Par for the course.  I close my eyes trying to settle my mind back down after the fire alarm is properly chastised and laying silently on the floor.  My eyes pop wide open, I have officially reached the too tired to sleep point, and my stomach is saying it's hungry.  The debate rages on do I try to ignore the hunger pains and sleep or get up and find a snack?  Yup, a snack it was. I looked at the clock seeing that it was eleven o'clock in the morning.  I shake my head sadly, before heading back to bed, what I consider to be useless!  Thankfully, I manage to fall a sleep this time! Till my internal clock wakes me up a mere two hours later.. Life it's a humdinger!

     Today made me think as I was walking around Walmart like the rest of the masses. Upset because I couldn't afford to get my child the Christmas tree he wanted. He's four. How easy is it for us to dwell on all the bad things in our lives? We get bogged down with work, kids, partners, life in general. We forget how lucky we are to have that sort of drama that is considered day to day. Especially during the holidays when we're all running around frantically searching for what-ever little Jimmy or Sue wants. How we prize material things over the people in our lives, but what if we lost it all? I know personally I would probably fold in on my self and be carted off to the white coat lounge at the local psych facility. Today I'm with a family as their caregiver and you know what strikes me the most about them? Their attitude. They seem joyous when I am sure the rest of us would be whining in our root beers. They go with the flow and take things in stride while being the best possible people they can be. So, many times when I worked at the local jail I would meet people that didn't seem like the hardened criminal types. I had to stop and ask, “How'd you get here?” Sadly, a lot of them seemed to have suffered through the loss of a child or a loved one. Something that pushed the nice semi-stable person over the edge. It made them turn to drugs alcohol what-ever could and would numb their minds and souls. How easy it is to say that we would never stoop so low! Well, I for one am not willing or able to say that! And yet I see people like the ones tonight that go out of their way to make others feel comfortable. That seem to be grateful for what they do have.

Today's Dysfunction

I woke up from a beautiful dream only to realize I was an adult.  What the Hell I say! No one asked me if I was ready to go headlong into that disaster. Mentally I still feel like I'm eighteen years old, physically it's much more like seventy-six than my true thirty-six.  That was extremely evident this morning as I was wrestling with a patient! Why did my strength and my mental facilities have to run away right at seven a.m.  I'm supposed to be doing stuff, work stuff, responsible adult stuff?  Why did the fact that after being a nurse for ten years having a parent standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, make me feel like I was fresh out of school?  All my knowledge and skill right out the door! I would have thought by now that anxiety that I had when I was younger would have vacated, moving on to pester some other poor individual! Nope!

How I try to smile and pretend that everything is alright when truly I'm miserable. I worked a twelve hour shift last night while everybody else slept.  All night all I could think about was my nice soft bed, the fuzzy blanket, the dog at my feet, the four year old that would hopefully still be a sleep when I got home. It didn't help, neither did the caffein drinks, the salt and vingegar chips, or the steak. Things to occupy the wide spanse of time till my patient needs to get up.  Normally I work in long term setings or jails.  Being a home health nurse is relatively knew for me and the jury is still out on it!  Work load wise the job is gravy.  Still I kind of miss having work to do during my shift it makes things go by faster, especially on night shift. At least it gives me time to work on my books, you know the ones that no-body will probably ever read.  Ha ha.

Here I sit at thirty-six still trying to figure out what I'm suppose to be doing with my life.  By the time I do, I will probably be the patient! Cripes.