Today made me think as I was walking around Walmart like the rest of the masses. Upset because I couldn't afford to get my child the Christmas tree he wanted. He's four. How easy is it for us to dwell on all the bad things in our lives? We get bogged down with work, kids, partners, life in general. We forget how lucky we are to have that sort of drama that is considered day to day. Especially during the holidays when we're all running around frantically searching for what-ever little Jimmy or Sue wants. How we prize material things over the people in our lives, but what if we lost it all? I know personally I would probably fold in on my self and be carted off to the white coat lounge at the local psych facility. Today I'm with a family as their caregiver and you know what strikes me the most about them? Their attitude. They seem joyous when I am sure the rest of us would be whining in our root beers. They go with the flow and take things in stride while being the best possible people they can be. So, many times when I worked at the local jail I would meet people that didn't seem like the hardened criminal types. I had to stop and ask, “How'd you get here?” Sadly, a lot of them seemed to have suffered through the loss of a child or a loved one. Something that pushed the nice semi-stable person over the edge. It made them turn to drugs alcohol what-ever could and would numb their minds and souls. How easy it is to say that we would never stoop so low! Well, I for one am not willing or able to say that! And yet I see people like the ones tonight that go out of their way to make others feel comfortable. That seem to be grateful for what they do have.

Today's Dysfunction

I woke up from a beautiful dream only to realize I was an adult.  What the Hell I say! No one asked me if I was ready to go headlong into that disaster. Mentally I still feel like I'm eighteen years old, physically it's much more like seventy-six than my true thirty-six.  That was extremely evident this morning as I was wrestling with a patient! Why did my strength and my mental facilities have to run away right at seven a.m.  I'm supposed to be doing stuff, work stuff, responsible adult stuff?  Why did the fact that after being a nurse for ten years having a parent standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, make me feel like I was fresh out of school?  All my knowledge and skill right out the door! I would have thought by now that anxiety that I had when I was younger would have vacated, moving on to pester some other poor individual! Nope!

How I try to smile and pretend that everything is alright when truly I'm miserable. I worked a twelve hour shift last night while everybody else slept.  All night all I could think about was my nice soft bed, the fuzzy blanket, the dog at my feet, the four year old that would hopefully still be a sleep when I got home. It didn't help, neither did the caffein drinks, the salt and vingegar chips, or the steak. Things to occupy the wide spanse of time till my patient needs to get up.  Normally I work in long term setings or jails.  Being a home health nurse is relatively knew for me and the jury is still out on it!  Work load wise the job is gravy.  Still I kind of miss having work to do during my shift it makes things go by faster, especially on night shift. At least it gives me time to work on my books, you know the ones that no-body will probably ever read.  Ha ha.

Here I sit at thirty-six still trying to figure out what I'm suppose to be doing with my life.  By the time I do, I will probably be the patient! Cripes.